It's strange for me to think that Nick and I have almost been married for 1 year. Where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday we were telling each other how excited and anxious we were to finally be married and now it all seems like a dream. We were in a state of complete bliss, nothing bad could happen or shake our foundation.
I am eternally thankful for my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am thankful that Nick and I were married in the Temple and our family is forever.
As I look back on what we have experienced in our first year of marriage I realize how blessed we have been amid the trials we have endured.
I am thankful for a loving Father who has promised us blessings of love if we are obedient and faithful.
Truly feeling faithful has been a struggle for me lately...
So often I find myself waiting for the ground beneath my feet to crumble and leave me falling. I find my mind hosting thoughts of sadness and fear. I find myself worrying that the wonderful man my Father has blessed me to be eternally sealed to, my Nick, will decide that I am not the woman he wants to be with.
We have experienced pain and sorrow over these past 11months and I have found myself ever preparing, and not in a healthy way, for bad things to happen.
I am thankful for modern medicine and therapy that have allowed me to find perspective and are helping me work through my feelings of despair and loss. With that help I have noticed that I am not as close to my Father In Heaven as I once was. I miss the feeling of being completey and totally faithful. Knowing, without a doubt that I am watched over.
I know that my Father in Heaven knows and loves me. I know that my Savior sacrificed His life for me, that he took upon Himself all my pains and sorrows. And yet, I feel like I have failed them in some way. I feel as though I am making decisions without truly receiving answers, even though I have prayed for guidance and felt security in my choices.
I know this is a lot to put in a post, but I have ben hiding my fears for too long. I've been afraid that if people knew what I was feeling that they would think I'm not good enough, in many aspects.
In 8 days I am beginning a new journey full of change and desire. Nick and I have prayed and feel as though this is the path for us to take. But as I mentioned before, my mind keeps hosting thoughts of fear and doubt. I
I wish I was stronger and more like my husband, unwaivering in his faith.
For a time, and I'm not sure how long, I am going to track goals and accomplishments here. I am going to work harder and more diligently to find my faith and resecure my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I am going to be a better wife, sister, daughter and friend.