Thursday, October 13, 2011

Hard Honesty

It's strange for me to think that Nick and I have almost been married for 1 year. Where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday we were telling each other how excited and anxious we were to finally be married and now it all seems like a dream. We were in a state of complete bliss, nothing bad could happen or shake our foundation.

I am eternally thankful for my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am thankful that Nick and I were married in the Temple and our family is forever.

As I look back on what we have experienced in our first year of marriage I realize how blessed we have been amid the trials we have endured.

I am thankful for a loving Father who has promised us blessings of love if we are obedient and faithful.

Truly feeling faithful has been a struggle for me lately...

So often I find myself waiting for the ground beneath my feet to crumble and leave me falling. I find my mind hosting thoughts of sadness and fear. I find myself worrying that the wonderful man my Father has blessed me to be eternally sealed to, my Nick, will decide that I am not the woman he wants to be with.

We have experienced pain and sorrow over these past 11months and I have found myself ever preparing, and not in a healthy way, for bad things to happen.

I am thankful for modern medicine and therapy that have allowed me to find perspective and are helping me work through my feelings of despair and loss. With that help I have noticed that I am not as close to my Father In Heaven as I once was. I miss the feeling of being completey and totally faithful. Knowing, without a doubt that I am watched over.

I know that my Father in Heaven knows and loves me. I know that my Savior sacrificed His life for me, that he took upon Himself all my pains and sorrows. And yet, I feel like I have failed them in some way. I feel as though I am making decisions without truly receiving answers, even though I have prayed for guidance and felt security in my choices.

I know this is a lot to put in a post, but I have ben hiding my fears for too long. I've been afraid that if people knew what I was feeling that they would think I'm not good enough, in many aspects.

In 8 days I am beginning a new journey full of change and desire. Nick and I have prayed and feel as though this is the path for us to take. But as I mentioned before, my mind keeps hosting thoughts of fear and doubt. I

I wish I was stronger and more like my husband, unwaivering in his faith.

For a time, and I'm not sure how long, I am going to track goals and accomplishments here. I am going to work harder and more diligently to find my faith and resecure my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I am going to be a better wife, sister, daughter and friend.


  1. Oh, Dear, Sweet, Beautiful Ashley!

    Don't you know how wonderful you are?

    I've had a long struggle with despair and doubt was in the form of really low self-esteem. However the struggle you're facing may be different or similar, I can pretty much guarantee that the biggest factor in both of our cases that probably formulated the down-spiral is the practice of negative thinking. Whenever you hear yourself...or the Adversary...whispering negative thoughts in your head, remember that they're lies. The truth is that YOU are as wonderful as all the people you highly esteem. I heard the way you talked about Nick at the family dinner before your wedding. I heard all the love and adoration you have for him and the way you look at him as a son of God. Remember that you have all the same kind of divinity and amazing talents and qualities that make you your own unique and fabulous person. There's no one like you, and no one could take YOUR place. Just remember that.

    And I don't know if you listen to the Christian Station ever, but I totally love KLOVE. I've found so much peace and strength by tuning the radio to 105.5. They really have a good thing going over there. You should try it out--you may hear some cheesy songs, but you will also hear some thought provoking music and some beautiful lyrics that will help uplift you and inspire you as you work on your goals. Try it out sometime. : )

    Here's one of my favorite songs. I think it's fitting, because we all need the enabling power and grace from the Atonement every single day in our lives. It's called "You Are More", by Tenth Avenue North. This You Tube video has the music and lyrics. Maybe you'll like it, too. : ) Here's the link:

    I love you, Ashley!

  2. Ashley, you are a beautiful daughter of our Father in Heaven, there for you are of Royal Birth. You are so precious, not only to him to your dad and I. I know you are feeling so many different emotions, this to shall pass, you are doing all the right things at the right time. I heard a talk by Kathy Thornock, in it she stated that "You can do hard thing and this to shall pass, I have tried to keep this in mind. I love the words of encouragement, love and peace that D Jo has shared with you. It makes me feel good knowing the family that you are now apart of.
    I love you my little Chicky and so do so many others, Mom